| blah |
[16 Jan 2006|01:18pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 blah |
] |
I haven't updated in forever, sorry...I just haven't really felt like it. I have been sick for like two weeks now. I went to the emergency room last sunday because I had a fever of 102 and nothing else was open. That was tons of fun...Anyway, they gave me some antibotic, Keflex, and Vicadin (sp?), so I should have felt tons better, but I didn't. Then, like 3 days later I started getting a rash on my face and it spread to my neck, so I had to go to the doctors again last friday, and I think it was an allergic reaction to the Keflex, so they gave me something else. I still feel like shit though...My ceramics class is going okay, though not as much fun as I remembered it being before...maybe it just takes some time. Christmas was nice, I got tons of clothes for work, and some of them are actually colorful, so now I am not always wearing all black. I think part of the reason I have been so tired and worn down feeling is because I had two weeks off between semester, and that is supposed to make you "well-rested" or whatever, but I think it has just made it harder for me to get outta bed and go back to work. Not much else going on, but I suppose that is a good thing. I don't mind a little boredom right now. Oh, and by the way, Happy Martin Luther King Jr. Day.
|
|
| death and a party |
[11 Dec 2005|02:33pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 nostalgic |
] |
My Aunt passed away Wednesday morning, so we went up there for the wake Thursday night and funeral Friday morning...well, we spent Thursday mainly sitting in a car all day, to be honest. Because we drove up there to see my family, then went to pick up Nic from the train station, since he took a train in from Birmingham...the train was supposed to be there at 3:30, but didn't arrive til nearly 7, so we got to attend the wake for an hour. It was okay though, because one realizes that the wake and funeral are not so much for the person that died , but, rather, the people left behind. I did my "mourning" better outside the next day on a walk through the cemetery...because I deal better with stuff like this out in nature, rather than inside surrounded by a bunch of people. My cousin, Betsy and I rode together, in my car during the funeral procession, and we decided to honor my aunt by rolling down the windows in the freezing cold and blaring out The Eagles "Desperado," which fit because my aunt was the one that got me interested in the Eagles. It was a nice touch, I think. Christmas this year will be odd, because we still aren't used to my grandma not being there and now we will have to deal with my aunt not being there as well. It sucks...I was remembering how when I was really young, one time I spent the night at their house and the next morning she was trying to show me how to make scrambled eggs, which to this day, I still over-cook, doh. And she was always the one that video-recorded Christmas morning. And she and my uncle came with my grandparents up to see my high school graduation. Hmm...Anyway, I came on home Friday and rested a bit, then went with Win to the gang's christmas party last night, and we didn't get home til 2 am...doh. It was fun, and it was nice to spend time hanging out and just chilling and having a bit of fun for once. We played Dirty Santa and I ended up with a Yankee Candle Potpourri Tart burner (yummy), and a set of Coconut Lime Bath stuff (also yummy) and Win ended up with a Phase 10 dice game and a Head-to-Head poker game, so that was cool, but he also ended up with a Hooters Calender, which I wasn't pleased with, but oh well. It was fun. Tomorrow I get to go back to work for one week and then Nic comes home and he and I will both be off for two weeks, for christmas, so yeah...just one more week of work.
|
|
| You shouldn't beat a dead horse...instead consider selling it to a shady butcher shop. |
[30 Nov 2005|10:24am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 frustrated |
] |
I am so tired of being surrounded by death...I feel like I am just being swallowed up in a pit of death, and not in a fun way either. I mean I know I am morbid and sorta amused by all things death and goth, but I don't like it when it seems like everyone around me is dying...thats not cool. My aunt is still in the hospital, they found fluid around her heart, so they have removed that, but they then found a cyst on her pancreas...and she is too weak to really have surgery now...so they don't know what to do, and she is beginning to lose all the fight in her. But I can't blame her for that, because shes been dealing with this shit for over a year. Its just that ever since we moved down here we have been seeing this. The first year, my great aunt got ovarian cancer and died, the second and third year, my grandmother got ovarian cancer, went through chemo, didn't work, gave up and died, and now my aunt is dealing with what basically amounts to poison in her system from radiation and chemo she had 20 years ago...and on top of all that, theres all the death around us from the damned hurricane katrina, and last night we got a phone call that my mom's best friend, who lives in Tennessee, is now brain dead and will be disconnected from life support in less than 24 hours. And she just went in for a fairly simple back surgery, got a blood clot in her brain and had a stroke, thus leaving her brain dead. I am just tired of seeing it...I am tired of being reminded constantly that we are all just basically sitting around waiting for our turn to die, and there isn't anything we can do about it. The best we can hope for is that when we are dead, there will be people around to remember us fondly. I guess that is what it's all about, isn't it?
|
|
| If a person with multiple personality disorder holds his/her self hostage, what happens? |
[17 Nov 2005|04:31pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 confused |
] |
So my therapist wants me to think about the 3 things that stress me out the most, so that we can talk about it next time I meet with him. I told him that was easy, that it was my future, my relationship, and financial stuff. Anyway, he said that he wanted more detail than that. So lets see...I'm not particularly scared of dying, I actually have a morbid facination with death, however, I do worry that I will be laying on my deathbed wishing that I had done something like travel more and wondering why I didn't. I have a fear that I will get stuck in a rut, working 9-5 and just accepting it because it is comfortable, not because it is what I really want to do with my life. I worry that I will always wonder where "home" is, and why I can't ever really feel at home anywhere. I wonder if I would be happier accepting a domesticated life with Win, or happier being independent and going and doing exactly what I want and being myself all the time. I wonder if just saying the stuff I think would make me feel better, even though people may think I am a bitch or crazy...but I mean thats why the english language has a separate word for thinking and saying, right? Society's rules....I wonder why money is so important, and why our culture is so obsessed with it. I don't want to be rich, I really don't, because having whatever you want right when you want would get boring, however, I do want to be comfortable enough financially to be able to buy something nice every once and a while without having to worry if we will have enough money to pay for the house next month or have food to eat next month. But how much money does that take exactly? And will Win ever be able to actually provide that safety? I know that he is trying, but it just seems like something always comes along to break down that progress. I fear that I have now gotten to a point where I depend on Win for entertainment. I work and I spend time with him, and that's it...and for a while I was fine with that, but now, I am scared that somewhere in that amount of time I have lost everything about myself. So I am trying to fix that, I am trying to force myself to go spend time with friends, I am taking an art class on my own in the spring, but I still feel as though I am not completely comfortable without him by my side...which is so lame...I cant even believe that I have gotten to that point, because I would have never given up my own interests before all this. I do love him, but it is like I have forgotten about myself in all of this, and that isn't good. Geez, looks like I have more to discuss than I thought...opps.
|
|
| Blood is thicker than water, but isn't nearly as refreshing after a tough basketball practice. |
[14 Nov 2005|04:14pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 drained |
] |
So yesterday was Win and I's 2 year anniversary. He got me a card...granted, it wasn't until after he purchased the card that he realized it was actually a birthday card (doh), either way it was sweet. We went grocery shopping to celebrate...and we watched Dogma. And that was pretty much it, we just laid around being lazy. Life is sooo exciting lately.
|
|
| so...yeah... |
[07 Nov 2005|04:17pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 creative |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Aqualung |
] |
Halloween was fun. Some of my co-workers and I dressed up in costume and decorated the conference room to make it look like all spooky. It was cool. I carved a pumpkin for the first time ever...and now I know why I never did it before, because its too damn much work. I keep getting comments that I am losing weight. I dont feel like I am, but apparently I look as though I am...I guess that is good. One plus for taking zoloft I guess, even though it makes me tired. I can't wait for the holiday breaks...Nic is coming home for thanksgiving...that will be nice, since I haven't seen him since the week after the hurricane. Win is still working on declaring bankruptcy...apparently it's not that easy to do. I went to the Peter Anderson festival in Ocean Springs yesterday and found these cool prints from an Artist here in Gulfport, his name is Richard Alan Haugh, go check his site out. Another artist that he shares a gallery with was working the booth, and her stuff was cool too, and I was talking to her about his work sorta resembling some of Mark Ryden's stuff, and she said that was his favorite artist...which was pretty cool. Anyway, now I am gonna have to go find some cool frames to fit the prints because they are an odd size. I am gonna see if it is possible to get some of the artists at their gallery to exhibit some of their stuff here at work. That would rock. I am also gonna try and take another ceramics class in the spring, just to have something creative going on. Glad you enjoyed the pics, ash. I maybe sending you some more if they come out right. Anyway, thats all for now.
|
|
| dormouse |
[20 Oct 2005|03:36pm] |
|
Yesterday, I had an appointment to go "talk" and I could hardly concentrate on what I was saying, I was so tired. I would be in the middle of a sentence and stop to think and forget what I was saying. I had to concentrate really hard on staying awake to drive home. And this was at like 4:30 in the afternoon...So I got home and I decided to take a nap before LOST came on, because Dad and I always watch that together, so I fell asleep at 6:30 and didnt wake up again til 11:45...and I realized how late it was...so I had to get up and eat something, so I could take my medicine, and then I went back to sleep at 12:30. Shit, I still didnt feel like getting out of bed when the alarm went off at 6:30 this morning, so I slept til 7 am, and I still managed not to be late to work...so that was good. I think this Zoloft is whats doing it, because it said that one of the side effects is drowsiness, but I really hope it wears off soon...because it sucks being this tired all the time. Plus I missed LOST, which sucks.
|
|
| its been awhile |
[16 Oct 2005|12:57pm] |
|
Ok, so heres the deal...tomorrow I am accompanying Win to see a lawyer about filing for bankruptcy...I told my boss the deal, and she said it was okay to take the day off to do that. I went to the doctor's last week and changed my prescription from wellbutrin to zoloft...so, we will see how it goes. Thursday at work was spent cleaning books with a bleach, lysol, water mixture...and then friday Zina and I swept the entire upstairs stacks, because they have been working on the roof and knocking sheetrock dust all over everything, and then cleaned some more books. So when I got in from work friday night, my head was hurting, and then when I woke up saturday, my head was still hurting, and it is hurting today too...I think it was all that dust that we swept up...its affecting my sinuses...so I feel like crap. Plus the zoloft is making me sorta drowsy anyway. Not a good mix. Hopefully that will wear off in about a week, once my system gets used to it. Yeah, so thats the update.
|
|
| very interesting... |
[06 Oct 2005|10:13am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 geeky |
] |
 | | The Sonnet
Deliberate Gentle Love Dreamer (DGLDf)
Romantic, hopeful, and composed. You are the Sonnet. Get it? Composed?
Sonnets want Love and have high ideals about it. They're conscientious people, caring & careful. You yourself have deep convictions, and you devote a lot of thought to romance and what it should be. This will frighten away most potential mates, but that's okay, because you're very choosy with your affections anyway. You'd absolutely refuse to date someone dumber than you, for instance.
Your exact opposite:
Genghis Khunt
Random Brutal Sex Master
| Lovers who share your idealized perspective, or who are at least willing to totally throw themselves into a relationship, will be very, very happy with you. And you with them. You're already selfless and compassionate, and with the right partner, there's no doubt you can be sensual, even adventurously so.
You probably have lots of female friends, and they have a special soft spot for you. Babies do, too, at the tippy-top of their baby skulls.
ALWAYS AVOID: The 5-Night Stand, The False Messiah, The Hornivore, The Last Man on Earth
CONSIDER: The Loverboy |
Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating.
My profile name: dollflesh |
|
|
|
[04 Oct 2005|10:41pm] |
Mystic Theurge
25% Combativeness, 26% Sneakiness, 76% Intellect, 66% Spirituality |
Brilliant and spiritual! You are a Mystic Theurge!
Score! You have a prestige class. A prestige class can only be taken after you’ve fulfilled certain requirements. This may mean that you’re an exceptionally talented person, but it probably doesn't.
The Mystic Theurge is a combination of a cleric and a mage. They can cast both arcane and divine spells, and are good at both, making them pretty terrifying on the battlefield. They have more raw spellpower than just about any other class.
You're both intelligent and faithful, but not violent or deceitful. I guess that makes you a pretty good person. |
 |
My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
|
You scored higher than 6% on Combativeness |
|
You scored higher than 24% on Sneakiness |
|
You scored higher than 75% on Intellect |
|
You scored higher than 90% on Spirituality |
|
|
|
| Cause its cheeper than getting tattooed |
[03 Oct 2005|03:20pm] |
|
There isn't a whole lot to update on. I went and got my hair cut Saturday, because I have been so stressed out with all the crap going on lately, and I can't really go spending money on a tattoo at the moment. Something about haircuts and tattoos that relieve stress for me, I can't really explain it. Anyway, when I say haircut, I mean it. It's really, really short. I don't think I have ever gotten it cut this short before...but I really like it. Although, I do look sorta like a boy...a cute, girly boy, mind you. I will have to get a picture posted.
|
|
| feeling restless |
[21 Sep 2005|03:42pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 annoyed |
] |
I have been thinking about moving ever since Ash moved back up to NC, and since Katrina hit, it has made me want to even more. I think a huge part of my problem with anxiety and depression is that I don't feel comfortable here. Ever since we moved here, besides when Ash was living here, I have felt uncomfortable in my skin, and I have tried to go out and meet people, but I just can't really be comfortable in my skin with anyone. Win is the only good thing I have here, the one thing that is keeping me here, but it is hard for me to want to stay here, because it seems that as time as gone by here, it has just gotten worse and worse for me, I feel more and more uncomfortable and alone. I miss all my friends, but more importantly I miss being able to let lose and be myself and feel absolutely 100% comfortable with the people I spend time with. God, I miss the snow, and the leaves changing, and the 4 different seasons, and the scenery, and the culture...I want to travel, I want to get the hell outta here, but I want Win to go with me, and right now, that doesnt seem to be an option for him. I just hope it becomes an option for him shortly, because I don't know how much longer I can stand being here.
In other news, Hurricane Rita is now a catagory 5, and is still slated to head to texas, which means that more oil refineries we be damaged, which means that once again, prices will go up on gas...so right now, every one here on the coast is, once again, freaking out and buying as much gas as they can. I am sooooo tired of this shit. I need a vacation and a shopping spree...maybe that would heal some of the emotional and mental stress I have been dealing with since all this started.
|
|
| back to the normally boring |
[19 Sep 2005|10:42am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 complacent |
] |
I am so glad Andrew and Kent came down to visit. They didn't get to the house until late Thursday night, so I didn't get to chat much with them then. Friday, Kent rode with me to work, and Andrew followed us, so that they could get an idea of some of the short cuts around here, because the bridge on I-10 is under repair. Then I came to work and they went to Biloxi to take some pictures. Then that evening Win, Andrew, Kent, and I played Burn in Hell (a card game) and poker. Saturday, Andrew, Kent, and I went to Bay St. Louis, but Win didn't want to go with us, so he stayed home and played video games. That evening we played poker for money, and Win and I ended up splitting 20$...I felt sorta bad about it, because Win and I play all the time, and I think Win was sorta taking advantage of the fact that we had a little more experience. Anyway, then Sunday, Win got up to go to work, and Andrew, Kent, and I bummed around the house, ate lunch together, then they headed out.
Bay St. Louis was so surreal...like I knew I had been there before, but I had to pretend that it wasn't the same place...because it didn't look at all like it used to, and I would cry if I thought about it too long. It just really looked like a bomb went off...the pavement and roads were like a jigsaw puzzle of concrete...houses and stores were just shells or foundations of what they used to be. There was wood and debris everywhere. There was a solid patch of road that had a toilet sitting on it, just out in the open, as if it belonged there. People's personal belongings just scattered everywhere, dvd collections, filing cabinets full of papers, book collections, pieces of scrap metal and unrecognizable twists of metal everywhere. It was just really insane. In some way, it was sort of ironic that I went there with Andrew, because there is a picture Kent took of Andrew and I looking at all the chaos around us, and (although I didn't realize it at the time) it almost seems symbolic of Andrew and I's relationship in the past...if that makes sense. That was my deep thought for today. :P I really do miss Andrew though. He just had this amazing, beautiful glow to him, and this peace that I haven't seen in a really long time, maybe never, to that extent anyway. I do still love him, I will always reserve a spot in my heart for him, but it is in a different way from the way I love Win...in some ways more special, because he and I went through so much. Although Win still is my heart completely. I hope Andrew always keeps that glow, and I hope he really does find all the happiness in the world, because he truly does deserve it. Okay, enough of that. Anyway, theres the update.
|
|
| I've got mail!!! |
[15 Sep 2005|04:10pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 surprised |
] |
We started getting mail on Tuesday, I think it was, and the first thing I got was a bank statement and credit card bill...lol. We still dont have cable, so, since I have run out of Netflix movies to watch, I have started renting them from the library's collection, but there isn't much here that I haven't already seen. I have an interesting bit of news to share. Tuesday, I got an email from Kent, saying that he and Andrew may be heading down this way, because he is a photojournalist for some magazine up in Boone, and they wanted him to come to Gulfport and take some pics and stuff. And anyway, I took it with a grain of salt, because they live 14 hours away, and I figured they would get lost, or something would happen and they just wouldn't be able to make it. Anyway, so yesterday I talked to him and he said that they hadn't left yet, but that they were going to...and I was like yeah, whatever...So today, I am sitting at work and I get a phone call, and its Kent, and he's like "we are heading over to your workplace, we will be there in a second" and I am like "huh???" Anyway, so 10 mins later they show up here and it was just in time for lunch, so I walked them around and showed them all the damage from the hurricane that we have, and Kent took pics, and then we went to lunch. And they are staying til Sunday, and I gave them directions to the house, and they are supposed to be heading out there later this evening. Here's the catch, since we still don't have a phone, and I haven't seen Win since Monday, he is coming over this afternoon, when I get home from work, and he has no idea about any of this...so this should be a bit interesting...especially considering that Andrew is an ex-boyfriend. This is going to be odd.
|
|
| Geez... |
[12 Sep 2005|11:11am] |
|
We still don't have phone service, nor have we gotten any mail service yet, but I am hoping that we will soon, because I know that I am going to have over-due bills. Nic hasn't been able to contact us because cell phone service is so crappy lately, but he did talk to grandpa, and we know he got back up to Birmingham safely. They delayed the class restarting time here at the college til Wednesday, Sept. 14...I dont know if we will have anywhere near the amount of students we had before all of this. I know that there are alot of staff and student without homes right now, and most of those with homes still standing are living in poor conditions without clean running water, power, or other necessities, and have been flooded out. This is going to be tough for a while, and there is no quick fix. We still haven't seen the mobile homes that FEMA is supposed to bring for those who don't have a home at all. We know everyone is safe, and we came out very lucky compared to a lot of people I know. So we've learned to count our blessings. Anyway, I just wanted to update everyone again.
|
|
| The Bitch Katrina |
[08 Sep 2005|10:58am] |
|
I am at work right now, that is the only reason I have internet access. Just to let you all know, we have power at the house, just no cable, no phone, and no internet. And, yeah, Ash, it seems like the phone is ringing on your end, but it isnt ringing on ours. As soon as we do get a phone though, I will be calling everyone. Nic was dropped off safely at Birmingham for Master's Commission, but on Monday all of them turned around and travelled back to Picayunne, MS with two truckloads of supplies, worth 12,000$ donated by the church, to help Convoy of Hope hand out MREs, ice, and water. They are supposed to be heading back out to Birmingham on Friday. We haven't heard from him since we left him Sunday. We have now heard from everyone, even friends and relatives in the New Orleans area, and everyone is safe. We dont know that everyone has a home to return to though. The college is starting classes on Monday, which I think is crazy, because over half of our staff don't have homes, so I can't imagine how many of our students are homeless at this point. I consider ourselves extremely lucky to have a house. Anyway, as soon as we get phones back, I will be in contact. Love you all.
|
|
| just to let you all know |
[02 Sep 2005|06:28pm] |
|
We are okay...everyone is okay. All the family, and my aunt and uncle got flown out of new orleans and are in jackson,MS now. We are now in Birmingham, AL, to get Nic here for Master's Comission. We are going back down Sunday, to be with Dad again, since he stayed down there with the house, to see to the animals. We got a generator, so we can get cold showers, and run the window AC at night. But the lines for gas are so, so long, we are gonna have to pick up supplies and take them back down there with us. I just wanted to let everyone know how we were doing. I miss ya'll. Love ya'll. And keep us in your prayers.
|
|
| no subject, just me ranting |
[23 Aug 2005|08:48pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
blah |
] |
Ash moved back to NC, which bums me out. I dont know why, really, because we lived 10 hours apart already, now we just live 4 more. I guess its just because I saw her again recently, and for some reason, it felt like we were closer. Maybe one day I will come up there again to visit, or we can meet somewhere in Georgia or something...I dunno. I went and watched Summerslam with the gang last sunday night. That was fun. Its been 5 months or so since I even saw everyone, and they all kept asking where I had been and what I had been up to, and I just thought "you dont even want to know...really", like dont get me started. I dont know if the medicine is working or not. I am still taking Wellbutrin, and it is helping in one way. I am not as interested in smoking, which I have heard from many people that Wellbutrin is also prescribed to quit smoking. Its weird, I will light up and take a few puffs and I am just like "hmm, this doesnt really taste as good anymore." I still cant give it up completely, but I am not smoking as often, so hopefully I will quit completely eventually. I stopped taking the Depakote three days into it, because I felt like a freaking zombie, and I was even more tired than usual...but I think it messed me up worse, because last week I had a breakdown at work. Im talking "bawling, snot running down my face" breakdown...but it was a rough week in general too. I think I am doing better this week, as much as I can tell, anyway. The one really good thing that has happened lately is that I had awesome, mind-blowing sex last weekend. I dont usually discuss this, but I had to get it out, and it would be inappropriate to tell co-workers around the watercooler, ya hear what I am sayin. I mean sex is usually just nice, like "hmm, that was nice," but this time...damn...I'm talking wobbly legs, cross-eyed, and breathless. I have to applaud Win for that, I really do. Anyway, I am gonna try to start being more social again, like besides at work when I paid to be social. I mean, I dont want to just come home and sit there by myself watching tv. I am thinking about going to watch monday night Raw with Gina and Missy, since it would be right down the road from me, and it would give me time to socialize with people I feel fairly comfortable around, besides Win and my family. Okay, so there's the update.
|
|
| it's been a while... |
[11 Aug 2005|02:35pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 hot |
] |
Im at work and the AC is out, this sucks...so I figured I would update. Had a really nice weekend. Win and I went to meet Ash. There wasn't a whole lot to do, so we had to entertain ourselves, which, in a way, is a good thing, because that is what we always do. So it felt normal. Win is sure that I am a crack-head now, but then again, he knew that before. He said that I giggled alot more while we were there, but I told him that is because that is how me and Ash have always been. Its odd, he doesnt get to see me like that normally, just completely comfortable and happy. On that note, I went to the head Doc yesterday and got myself some happy pills. I debated it for the longest time, because I've always been cynical and depressed, and I dont want to be fake...but I dont want to get to that point that is at the bottom again either. The doc told me that it would take a while for it to work, but I was like "I've been living like this for this long, I think I can make it a couple more weeks". Most of the time I just deal, on most days, thats how it is, but then, outta nowhere, I get into this funk where everything just aggrivates me and everything just feels hopeless, and I don't even want to bother with any of it, living or anything. And I know that isn't good, and those are the days that scare the hell outta me. And I am tired of thinking about death all the time, not like suicide or anything, but, like, that we are all gonna die, blah, blah. I mean, I know its true, but I get to where I focus on thinking that, and it doesnt help that I have a really morbid sense of humor, and I get so upset over it all and just overwhelmed and I wonder why bother to really strive for stuff, I mean, if it doesnt really matter in the end. I dunno, does any of this make sense? Anyway, I got Wellbutrin and something called Depakote. The Wellbutrin is for, duh, depression, and the Depakote is what he called a "mood stabilizer", but apparently it is for manic-depressives, so he must have thought I was at least a little bi-polar. Hmmm...interesting. So, we will see how it goes, I guess.
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
rabid_dollflesh's journal
